Are you one of those people who just can’t say no when someone asks you to do something? I used to have that problem, particularly as a mom who worked from home. If something needed done at school or in scouts or at church, I got the call.
I had to learn how to say no or my life would be controlled be others.
The first thing I did was to just practice saying the word “no.” You have to build the mental muscle, and possibly the physical one, to say the word.
My favorite workout spot was in the car. In traffic, at stoplights, waiting for my kids, I would just recite the word over and over. I also varied how I said the word—with emphasis, quietly, drawing it out into three syllables.
Try it. It works.
If you can’t say no, you need to have responses you can use until you build your skills to say no. Say these, then hold your ground. Don’t let someone persuade you to change your mind—unless you want to. Be firm. And don’t apologize.
“I’d like to help, but I can’t right now.”
“Now is not a good time for me to _________.” If you want and mean it, you can even add, “Try me later” or “Call me next time.”
“Thanks for asking, but I can’t help with that.”
As individuals, it is our job to set boundaries for what we will or won’t do. Once you establish those in your mind, you will no longer struggle with “I can’t say no.”
For years, I used my kids as an honest excuse to tell people no. I was often asked to take on a particular leadership role that I knew was not as glamorous as it was portrayed to me. It was going to take more time and energy than I was willing to invest. My response when asked to take that role was that I was focused on spending my time and energy with my family until the kids graduated. People can’t argue with that.
I used to do the evening networking events that professionals are encouraged to attend. At a certain point, I decided I didn’t want to do those anymore. If asked to attend an evening event, my typical response is “I don’t do night meetings.” I’ll do breakfast and lunch networking events, but not ones at night. If a really special night event comes up, I can change my mind, of course.
After years of working in places where I was constantly in meetings, I finally decided that I don’t do meetings anymore. I think most of them are a waste of time. If asked to serve on a committee, say at church, I tell people I don’t do meetings. I may be willing to take on a task or a project, but I will not attend committee meetings.
It’s harder to say no at work, without a doubt. If you are asked to take on additional work, try these.
“I’m overloaded right now.“ Then explain, without whining, that you have two deadlines in the next two weeks or that you’re filling in for someone who is out sick, so you’re doing two jobs. Be honest about your workload.
If your boss gives you an additional project and you’re doubtful you can get it done in time, ask which project he wants you to focus on. That will usually lead to the boss telling you what his priorities are, so you know where to focus your time and effort. You won’t have to guess.
You could also ask if you could get someone to help you with the project. Maybe Bill has had experience in that area, and you think the project would go faster if both of you worked on it.
The key with all of this is to know what you will and won’t do. And to excel at saying no when that’s what you mean.
© Pamela A. Scott, MentorLoft.com, 2016